Ass Effect
by OneTrueOgrelord
Summary: A comedy fanfiction of Mass Effect, now with "less" sex than the original Mass Effect!
1. Introduction

**Frost: **Hey there Guys! Welcome to Ass Effect, our beautiful Mass Effect fanfic. I'm one of your writers. If you'd like to learn more about me, you can head over to the Profiles Bio area. Now onto the project!

Alright so this is a comedic fanfic, not anything overly serious. It'll feature a few familiar faces, a well-known enemy, and the Mass Effect Universe. However most of the characters will be new.

_Disclaimer #1) any similarities between people real and/or fictional that are not part of the Mass Effect Universe are purely coincidental, with the exception of "Cathy". She is loosely based off of a bitch from our high school._

The timeline that we're working with is the Destroy option. However, Ass Effect will take place 12 years after the end of Mass Effect 3. In the slightly altered timeline of Ass Effect, Shepard's sacrifice was a little bit in vain. On the outer reaches of the galaxy, a group of Reapers was able to escape the blast, and began to retreat into the uncharted, unexplored deep spaces of the galaxy. When this was discovered, a new Citadel was built, by the Citadel Council, and a year after the Commanders passing, the Outreach program was announced. The Outreach program is what this whole fanfic is based off of. Children that were the age of 10 were collected, and enrolled. Only 6 races out of the 9 related to the Citadel actually provided recruits. The Keepers, of course, did not. The Elcor believed themselves to be too large and slow for the program, and the Hanar understood that the nature of the program would be too combat oriented for them to take part. The recruits were trained and taught how to track the Reapers, so that they could hunt, and eventually kill them. The next chapter will begin on the night before the Graduation day of the recruits.

_Disclaimer #2) we do not own Mass Effect, or anything related to it. All of this belongs to Bioware, so go play the games!_

If everything you've read so far intrigues you, read on, and thank you for choosing the _Harbingers of Shrek_ for your comedy needs.

_Disclaimer #3) there will be references to sexual content throughout Ass Effect. If you're insulted by homosexuality, we suggest you leave now, and take your negative attitude back to the middle ages._


	2. Chapter 1

**Frost: Hey there again folks! I'm back, this time with more fun. It's the first actual chapter of Ass Effect! I'll give you a second to compose yourself after all that excitement. Good? Ok me too. This is the Intro. Each chapter will have one, and it'll let you know who the writer(s) is and some other, relatively useful info. For tonight it's just moi, but I promise, more will join me in the future (I just couldn't meet up with them). Anyways, onward and upward! Also, please re-read the disclaimers from the Introduction Chapter, they'll keep me from being sued ;)**

Lieutenant General James Vega pushed open the door to his private office, slowly and quietly. The moonlight shone through his window, casting shadows across the floor. He silently slipped over to the security camera in the corner, and yanked out its power cell. Nobody could see what he was about to do. Satisfied that he was no longer being monitored, he walked briskly over to his computer terminal. He placed his palm no the screen, and it lit up, welcoming him by name.

James had been placed as a mentor and trainer for the Outreach program. The Citadel Council had requested that since he knew the recruits so well, that he be the one to decide who would be promoted to captain of the Outreach vessel; the S.S. Destiny's Sovereign. Earlier in the day, he had been preparing his final report when he received a video communication from his wife. She was in their home, with his children, and a large amount of masked men brandishing guns. She told him that he need to come home right away, the men wanted an audience with him. Several hours later, he was back in the office. Their request, simple. Place a less suited recruit as the captain of the ship, so that when it left for its mission, it would be under poor leadership.

So there he was, opening the document he had intended to send off at midday, and changing it. It went against everything he stood for, but what could he do? As soon as his wife and kids were safe, he'd report the tampering to the Council, and have the captain of the ship changed back. He went to where he had entered in his recommendation, and deleted the name Ecrive. Ecrive was a Drell who was exceptionally smart. The boy, only 21, was wise well beyond his years. Ecrive's knowledge and skill would have ensured the missions success. But now wasn't the time to think of that. In the space that was now open, Vega typed another name; Derek Alexander. A Human male, the child was a simpleton. How he had gotten into the program was still a mystery among the trainers. Vega saved the newly edited document, and sent it off to the council.

Exhausted, he fell back into his chair, and reached to bring up his wife onscreen, to let them men know the job was done. Before he could, a voice came from the shadows.

"Well done Mr. Vega. You have done what we asked. Your family has been released, but we had to wipe their memories, of course." The voice said.

"You can do that?" Vega responded, shocked that whoever the man was had access to that kind of tech.

"Yes, I can do many things Mr. Vega." The voice responded. It definitely belonged to a Human, but one with a strange accent. The voice was deep, but at the same time, slightly feminine. After some thought, Vega decided that the man must be German or Austrian. The man stepped from the shadows, shocking Vega. The mysterious man wore a suit, and a large, belt that was made out of some type of stone. It reminded Vega of a Wrestling belt. He also wore a mask that covered the lower half of his face, but the upper half confirmed what Vega had guessed. The man had blue eyes, pale skin, and slicked back, blond hair; German for sure.

"Well, here's some advice for you. You won't get away with this. I've trained myself to be resistant to brainwashing and memory wipes." Vega replied, grinning slyly.

"Oh Mr. Vega, I'm well aware of that." The man replied. He reached around his back, and pulled out a large, red pistol.

Vega went for his own weapon, but he was too late. By the time his fingers closed around the hilt, the man had Vega lined up in his sights. The German pulled the trigger once, issuing a large retort from the weapon. Vega dropped to the ground, a large hole in his forehead. He hit the floor like a sack of potatoes, and a pool of blood began to weave its way out, onto the carpet.

The German put his pistol away, and checked his watch. He turned around to leave, but a woman blocked his path. It was Vegas wife.

"Why?" was all she could utter.

"It was necessary." The German responded.

"You're a monster." Vegas wife cried, cradling Vega in her lap.

"No. I'm the greater good. The Outreach program trainers, they're the real monsters." The German figured he had wasted too much time now. Security would be in the building. Instead he reached down, and pressed the middle of his belt. It lit up blue in several places, then the German himself began to glow blue. "I apologize for your loss," he said as the light emitted from him grew in intensity, "but it's better this way." he finished. With those words, he vanished from the room, leaving behind a blue smoke, just in time for security to burst through the doors.

**Frost: Wow. That was a short life for Vega! Anyways, thanks for reading. Leave a review with any suggestions, and look out for the next instalment sometime soon.**


	3. Chapter 2

**Frost: Hey there folks! It's me, your friendly neighbourhood writer and coffee coinsure. And this time, I'm not alone!**

**PlanetJapan: Sup bitches?! Hope you're excited for this next chapter, finally Frost, Slick Rick and I are together to write!**

**Frost: It's time to deal with the aftermath of Vega's death, so here we go!**

**PlanetJapan: Remember to read the disclaimer so we can continue this glorious, horrible masterpiece! Frost! Stop looking at Tony the Tiger porn! **

**Frost: Um…Uh…Um…On to the show?**

The sun filtered through Derek's window as he slowly stretched and slipped out of his lube covered bed. "Ohhhh boy! Graduation! I'm finally going to get recognized for my ability to speak French!"

French had become a lost art in the 12 years since Commander Shepard had passed. Now, only 2 people on the whole Citadel spoke it, Derek having learned it from one of the Outreach trainers, Mr. Falanagus, before his untimely disappearance 4 years ago.

Derek slipped over to his closet, and peeled it open. Inside, he hunted for his dress clothes. He had to push aside 4 different pairs of ass-less chaps before he came across it. Slipping out of his pajamas, he changed into his cadet uniform. On the other side of the room, a male voice called out.

"Derek, come back to bed!" the voice said. From under the covers came a large, incredibly muscular Turian. He rested on his side, showing off an impressive eight-pack of abs.

"Get out of here Rodrique, you have to go get ready for graduation too you know!" Derek said as he fastened his tie around his neck. "We'll resume this once we got on the ship" he said, turning for a slight moment and winking at Rodrique.

"Whatever." The Turian said as he pulled on his own clothing and left through the door. The Turians involved in the Outreach program had went through intense, physical, pure Combat training. It had hardened most of them to a point where they didn't like showing their emotions, but Derek had known Rodrique since the beginning, so he could tell when he was worried about something. Derek was worried too. Today, they would leave the Citadel, their home for the past 11 years, to travel into deep uncharted space, along with the other 1198 recruits that were part of the program. Placing the cuff links through his shirt, Derek flexed his fingers. A blue lightning jumped from one finger to another, before fizzling out. Derek like all of the other Humans had been trained in a Sub-program of the Outreach program, known as the Vanguard program. The Vanguard program was a Biotic-Combat cross program, designed to strengthen both the outer body and the inner mind. Each race had been trained in a separate Sub-program. The Asari went through a rigorous Biotic-only program, called the Adept program. The Turians bodies were pushed to the brink in the Combat oriented Soldier program. The Volus were taught how to manipulate and use the latest Tech in the Engineer program. Drell students went into a joint Tech-Biotic course called the Sentinel program, and the Salarians were taught in the Infiltrator program to utilize Tech as well as Combat maneuvers, making them both quick and deadly. Since the Salarians are already middle-aged, many have been married to other Outreach recruits.

Over on the other side of the Citadel, Keepers scurried across the SSDS, preparing last minute chores so that the ship could make the leap into deep space. After the Citadel had been rebuilt, the Mass Relays recreated, pointing towards the Reapers last known location. However, once the SSDS made the jump, they were on their own. The hunt for the Reapers would have to take place without the convenience of a Mass Relay.

In front of the large ship, others rushed around, getting the Graduation area prepared for the ceremony. Mrs. Vega sat in one of the chairs that would be reserved for the Recruits later on, and recounted what she had seen to a member of the Citadel Council. The Asari representative, Chancellor Liara T'Soni, listened to Mrs. Vega's story for the second time, unable to make any more sense of it than before. Mrs. Vega had simply went to see why her husband had left to go back to the office so late, and had found her husband dead, killed by a masked man who vanished into thin air right before security arrived. There had been no video footage of the event, because Vega had ripped out the cameras power cell. None of what had been uncovered made sense, and even Asari couldn't come up with even a speculation as to why her old comerade had been killed. All she knew was that she didn't have time for any of this right now. Today was too busy a day to try and piece together a murder mystery.

"Well Mrs. Vega, I'm sorry, but not much of this makes sense to me either. I'm going to leave you with here" Asari said, pointing at a man who was standing patiently behind her. "He's a sort of identification master. Just let him do his work, pick your brain, and we should be able to come up with a picture of what your husband's killer looks like."

"Thank you" said Vegas wife responded "and I'm sorry to be such a bother on this busy day" the women offered a weak smile to Asari, a lame attempt at lightening the mood.

"It's really no problem at all" Asari lied, before turning and walking away. The mystery could wait till after Graduation, Asari thought, as she pulled out a copy of the speech she would need to read, and went over it to make sure she wouldn't make any mistakes.

Meanwhile in another dorm room similar to Derek's, a Drell named Ecrive put on his tie, tightened it, then removed it and redid it again, for the fifth time. He was more nervous than he had ever been in his life. Mr. Vega had let it slip several days ago that Ecrive would be named captain of the Outreach vessel, and he had been freaking out ever since. He hadn't told anyone, but he knew that some of his fellow students would react poorly. It was mostly the Turian jocks, who Ecrive could never agree with. Ecrive knew he'd need to find a way to unite his crew, but that was a problem for after the ceremony was done. Finally satisfied with his tie, Ecrive jogged out of his room, heading to where all the recruits would be meeting before the ceremony; the training gym.

**Frost: Wow that took a while to write! Sorry 'bout that guys, had a bit of writers block. As always, thanks for reading. Leave a review, and we'll see you in the next installment!**

**PlanetJapan: Peace!**


End file.
